Life January 13, 2011

You know, life is a funny thing. It takes turns that you never would have expected and then allows certain things to turn out the way you planned. The problem is that you never know which is going to be which. This year at Walla Walla has become one of learning how discover myself, looking back over where God has taken me so far and trying to figure out why. Why did I make those decisions? Why did God bring certain people into my life? Why can’t I put my thoughts and feelings into words when I need to the most? Why is it that some people seem to understand me more than I do myself? Why can’t I be consistent in relationship with God instead of being a yo-yo? Why… ? So many questions that I may never know the answers to. Recently, I’ve been really giving my beliefs, my feelings, my past, basically my foundation in life some deep thought. Now, I’m not too much of a thinker, but when I ponder these things, it tends to scare me. Have I been believing certain things my whole life just because my parents told me too and all my friends believe the same way? Am I really this out of touch with the way I feel about things? Do I always just agree with what others around me are saying and never take my own stand? I have been ignoring these thoughts for years now, not wanting to deal with the fact that I really don’t know what I’m all about. I don’t know myself. It sounds so funny to say, but it’s true. Self-discovery has become my new focus. I don’t know how I’m going to go about this, but something has to change in me. I need to be confident in myself and what I believe. I don’t want to live in such a way where I’m simply floating through life, going wherever the wind blows me, and never being confident enough in myself to change things. There’s a certain ambiguity about all these things–so broad and abstract, hard to know how to deal with since they’re such big issues. But I’m starting to work on them, sorting out some thoughts and feelings that I still don’t understand or realize I have…

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